Cry for Help

Abby Blackburn! Your Aunt Joni is going to Florida and leaving me here to fend for myself. Now usually that is okay, but........ I am sure that just on the other side of the city ditch they are waiting. Yes waiting for her to leave. You ask who or what is it? Well I believe them to be a small group, seven or eight, expertly trained mythical creatures from a Dr. Suess novel. I can't see them from here, as I am laying helpless in bed and can only hear them plotting my demise in a manner to horrid to explain on FB. I only know that it involves three fish and a blue one armed with banana pudding, a paint gun armed with Molasses filled ammo balls and the severed head of three marsupials along with a toxic rendition of Ice Ice Baby performed by Mel Torme and a quartet of, slightly misguided, castrated midgets from Indonesia. My only hope is you receive this message in time. In time to conjure up a Ouija board, some used soda cans filled with acid rain and two and one half drops of blood. Blood being from an over weight wallaby with skin chaffing and a edipous complex. Take these Items to Uncle John and he will take care of the rest. I will keep them at bey with my Psychic pet ,Henry the lobster, by utilizing his unusually large claw, speckled genitalia and supersonic shrieking abilities, while you seek help. Help me Abby Wan your my only hope. Drop by and fix me some toast one day too, would Ya'?

Scott Eric's Ramblings

Scott Blackburn Cousin, you amaze me!
Reminds me of the time I was traveling across texas on a bum steer named "bum". Ol bum had the biggest set of horns this side of..well Texas. Things were going just fine til one day Ol Bum stumbled. Well, wouldn't ya k...now one of those big ol horns got stuck in the dirt. The more Ol Bum struggled the deeper that horn drove into the ground. About that time I heard a loud noise...kinda like a rattle in a barrel. And then I saw it..the biggest dadburn Rattlesnake..this side of Texas. Before I could move that Rattler up and bit Ol Bum..well..in the bum. You can imagine Ol Bums reaction.he let out a bellow louder than..you guessed it anything this side of Texas. There I stood a watchin, Ol Bum kicking and bucking and that ol Rattler a hanging on for dear life. With all the ruckus Ol Bum's Horn finally broke free like a clap of thunder. The Rattler went flying and at the same time a gusher of oil spewed as far as the eye could see into that clear Texas sky. Far as I know that Rattler still hasn't come back down. Me and Ol Bum didn't stick around to find out as we was just passin through. Sides, there was some fella called himself Getty a hollering something about pardnership and royalty. Well, that first word sounded a lot like work and the second..well, I don't abide by uppity folk, so me and Ol Bum...we just rode on.

Fifth BEE GEE

Alot of people don't know this about me, but I was the fifth BEEGEE. But jealousy from my siblings and a brief affair with Victoria Pricipal caused my eviction from the group. That and my ability to cover up sexual crimes of, the Rodent involved, nature. I was in my own private dressing room, stocked with multiple hair gels and styling combs, when I heard a high pitched squeal. One squeal seemed to be a pleasure noise slightly harmonized with, an evil laugh, and a slightly muffled briggs and stratton engine. As I caught the scent of burning cheese and what could only be described as fricton burnt chest hair and body gell, I immiediatley realized Andy had bartered a deal with Rick James and Dick Clark, for a recording contract and a free bottle of Baslamic vinegar. By performing in a short film involving, slighlty used cheese clothe, a used mole trap with a recently captured varmint, and a bumper jack from a, 1976 two toned, green and tan, AMC Pacer. The actions of my brother/band member are, far and away, the most degenerate sex crimes ever commited on a toaster,a half dead mole and a poster of Andy Williams, singing purple rain in b flat, accompanied by Zamfur and his panflute. That it is still hard for me to speak of even today. Being jealous of my, superior dancing and singing,talents,not to mention better hair, including chest, pubic and facial, Andy had me replaced with Rick James and the back up singers from clture club. He then immiediatley pursued the love of Victoria and set out to destroy my carreer. When I saw the rage in his eyes and heard the pain in his, lesser talented but still six octave capable, voice. I realised it was time to move aside and let his light shine, if only for a brief moment with Deon Warrick and the solid gold dancers. I moved into the back ground and continued my career as a gardener/body gaurd for Jimmy Osmand and the Mills brothers of Columbia records. Though asked many times to resurface and join many singing groups (Santana, Wild Cherry and KC and the Sunshine Band) just to name a few. I refused to upstage another sibling and cause that much heart ache and animocity of another human beaing. How ever I still help produce and assist on the discovery channel, with the show "Billy the Exterminaator" I also wrangle moles, cappibaras and an evil rabbit named Del Ron Hoover and his cousin, the ground hog known as Punxitauney Phil, for a production company owned and operated by Simon Cowell and Phil Donahue. It makes me happy to know the joy people have gotten from my dancing and singing skills, along with the Character "Tony Manero" modeled after my life, my abilities, good looks and over all coolness and salesman ship of fine Paints. That and the fact that I keep hamsters safe from sexual predators and cotton candy. Don't hate me because of my talents and beauty, for it is a cross to bear, even in seclusion I bring happiness to many. So remember to STAY ALIVE and have a good day!

THE ADVENTURES OF SUPERFLY BUS DRIVER

Believe it or not I have an alterego! I refer to him as "Superfly Bus driver" a sublte, yet wise, man with odd powers and the attributes of wisdom, gathered from watching after school specials, reruns of full house and the facts of life. My days are usually occupied by, maintaining order on every day bus routes and keeping sexual enconters and bullying at bey, all the while getting children to thier destination safely and giving them a thought to ponder for the day of learning. BUT............. Ocaisionally I have been abducted by aliens from other, distant and strange, worlds. Then my powers of deception (finely honed through dating in the 1970's disco era) and inflicting penis envy onto my enemies, have proven useful. Severe halitosis along with an enept,Kung Fu type, skill with nun chucks and theme park logoed beer stiens also prove to be beneficial. Not to mention befriending a group of angry lepracy stricken Incan midgets from Peru. Whom possess the skills of such freakish and bizzare qualities,that they can only be explained in future tales. However my most unique power is, the ability to morph into an oversized, egomaniacal version of Tom Bosley. With the ability to Quip wise suggestions, solve minor family disputes and provide sustanence for a family,while having no real known job and a silly grand Poobah hat . Along with the ability to control and read the minds of menstruating spotted Capybaras from equador.
Stayed tuned for the weekly "ADVENTURES OF SUPER FLY BUS DRIVER"