Hey ABBY HELP ME!

Abby Doo, This is your Uncle Dave. I have seized your cousin Luke's phone and for good reasons. Yet his mother has punished me severely and with unjust cause. I am now sleeping on a cold damp floor in the basement of the front rental house. There are fleas the size of grasshoppers and I have only dirty ginger ale to drink along with half eaten slim Jim's, soaked in hot sauce, for consumption. I fear that I will not last long in this environment, yet refusal to issue Luke back his phone privileges shall cost me my life and well being. Tell Pody and your sisters I said goodbye and I love them. For it shall soon be nightfall and survival is unattainable. The three toed crickets with cyanide breath and poisonous breast milk are sure to come and secrete their toxins into my cold, crippled body. There will be no remains, as I am sure that the underground dwellers of KMart blue light shopping ghosts will dry freeze my carcass and store me in used pringles cans for rabbit feed and toenail glitter. Alas I bid farewell to this world and the sanctimony of marriage and responsible parenting. It is on to the here after I flee and hopefully there will be cheetoes, Dr Pepper and a large supply of Ramen noodles waiting for me there. That and some really cool short outfits. Bye for now and sweet dreams.