Honey Badger on a Burro hunt.

I am slowly morphing into a docile yet rabid honey badger with a bad perm, chaffing genetails and a skill to restring a tennis racket in 7.5 minutes. All though this may seem uncomfortable it give me the initiative to apply ointments and experiment with different lotions and citrus creams. Today I will be pursuing an Itailian burro with a Rasputan type personality and clever wit derived from watching Wood Allen Movies while crotcheting pot holders for the blind with mispelled words and euphamisms on maintain good vision health. It has been revealed to me that The female Burro of the Rasputin heard are more tastey than a hand breaded tenderloin of the midwest with potatoe wedges and Mt Dew are all in one. So when I corner this Fan of a Woody "The Asian Peidaphile Daughter lover" Allen. I shall baffle him with some quick torts from a Bad Robin Williams movie. Whilest he ponders what the hell a penis has to do with being an alien named Mork banging some slut named Pam and screaming good morning to asin pacific country side, have in common with captain my captain and Abraham lincolns painful wound. Then spear him in the head with a worn out CV Joint from a YUGO Sedan and have him on the spit, Buttered,Salted and stuffed with imitation crab meat and freezer slaw. Then sit down give thanks, and feed all my honey badger off spring. Which were made while you were sleeping and Eeyore was fondling your children and filming it for Gerry and Kids documentary on Woody Allen Ethics and proper shower Etiquette. Then KNARFLE THE GARTHOCK! HAPPY THANKS GIVING MY FREINDS AND TWISTED READERS" PS if you stuck around long enough to read this. You are either extremely bore or in need of tharzine and prozac. Get help.

Leopards and Angry Chefs

I am secretly training an Army of pigmy leapords and digruntled grill chefs from waffle house franchises in the arts of samuria archery, sword fighting and preparing fine french cooked meals for the homeless Monks of Bangladesh. The leopards are highly sensative to the smell of Cardinal fans and sweaty ball sacks soaked in vinager and honey. Though both smells are similar, there is more of a cowardly scent that wharfs from the Fans of Red Bird nation. The leopards will track and capture the fans then store them in barrells of ball sacks from nuetered ex Cub players that have been soaked in the above mentioned ingredients.

After finishing their algebra lesson and a quick reading of Chang ki Shek 's biography along with self help books on coping with lepracy and it's affects on your love life. The angry Grill chefs will spar briefly with their leopard accomplices and then set out on a quest for indigent, yet polite, dwarfs from Austria and pan flute albums by Zamfir and ELO orchestra. Then after a short reunion with the, Highly trained leopards and some poetry reading by Regis Philbin and Dollie Parton, the oddly paired aliances of leapords and chefs will embark on a mission to over throw the Civitan Clubs of Canada. Seize their radio auction rights and sell off their captives for Cutlery and fine china to feed the homelss Monks of Bangladesh along with purchases of board games for blind Nuns and excenterfold models of Hustler magazine.

Finally when the Monks are fed and have eaten the last of the fluffy, yet perfectly textured french pastries and assorted souflettes, the army of highly trained critters and chefs will set out to right all the wrongs and misdeeds of Oil Zealots and Diamond Tycoons in this world. Striking with quick and deadly force using dull arrows made of rusty metal and dipped in molasses then coated with blood from HIV test clinics in Africa and Haiti. So to make the death both painful and slow, like that of falling gas and oil prices. Then taking the diamond from the safes of these overfed under empathetic demons and insert them into the ueretha of their genetailia . Then they will enjoy peanut butter sandwiches, with crunchy style Jiff, using their samurai skills and swords to spread the jam and Peanut butter simultaeneously on unleavened bread from Witchita Kansas bakeries. All the while singing Billie don't be a hero and Tiny Bubbles. Then relax watching the movies Pretty Woman and Repo Man with Emilio Estevez. After all this hey ride in their spiderman pajamas on Schwinn Stingrays back to Indiana for kick boxing lessons and body slamming techniques from Kristy "The Intimidator" Bastine and enjoy a rice krispie treat and Dr. Pepper.

Culinary Caper Cop

As I sit here and ponder the meaning of life I wonder. Who am I and why do I always get attacked by rabid chickens with herpes that are experts with cutlery and sleep deprivation? For I am a secret agent of chaos and international culinary by products. Just last week I discovered a plot by local eateries of Pawtucket Rhode Island to corner the Lobster market and cross breed them with featherless Pelicans from Aruba.
Now you may ask yourself why would the US Govt need a spy for such matters? Probably they don't but I have an extremely large photo of Dan Quayle and Michele Obama in a foursome with Wilt Chamberlain, Butterbean the boxer, And four cases of Land O Lakes margarine, along with two Oprah Winfrey puppets holding copper plated spatulas.. So if need be I can get a govt contract for any thing I dream up and deem necessary. But back to the Lobsters and evil chickens.

I was in the New England area for some minor league baseball and noticed several children rushing into the high tide and freeing lobsters from the tidal storage boxes. All of a sudden thirteen armed fishermen, in white boots and yellow raincoats bearing corn on the cob eating utensils formed a circle around these children. The fisherman began pummeling the kids with half eaten ears of sweet corn and screaming "Stay away from the Hybrid Lobsters and my bird feeder!" I thought to myself "Is this a new way to make corn chowder and lobster bisque. Or merely a strange new way to punish children for not eating their vegetables?" Quickly I started to take note of my surroundings and noticed I was being surrounded by a group of Aborigine midgets from Guatemala. They were cleverly armed with Korean cock fighting knifes and the blades were coated in Peruvian chili powder. Thinking quickly I grabbed a paper straw and as they lunged toward me with vigor and thrust their blade at my, muscular and sweaty , torso I blew the powder from the, Sharp steely, blades into theirs eyes. Temporally blinding them so that I could have my way with their dates and small pets. After a cigarette and short nap I finished them off and returned to my mission at hand. Ridding this great country of hideous crossbred creatures and bad rap music from the early nineties.

I saw that the mission would now require an accomplice with special skills of a rare nature. So I immediately teamed up with an old acquaintance from Mesopotamia. Jericho the scuba diving spider monkey with one good eye. His skills for mind control of animals and sea creatures are surpassed by,the one and only, bastard love child from a menajuatwa involving Dr. Doolittle, Aqua Man and an estrange monkey from Scandinavia. After meeting up with Jericho we packed the necessities and headed out to thwart the fisherman and their evil accomplices in the eatery business, from creating an unholy creature for culinary purposes. I mounted my trusty flying, ninja trained, tortoise and Jericho summoned a flock of seagulls all named Johnathan from Livingston North Carolina, for his transportation. Onward we ventured with no fear of what lay ahead. Death and Herpes be damned! We will prevail and come home victorious.

There are times I feel very hypocritical for posting religous stuff. I am a very sarcastic and morally corrupt Dude. But there is some religion in my background and childhood days. I do cuss alot and make sick jokes, some racial slurs and s...exist jokes. How ever I do believe in God and Jesus and all the basics of Christianity. I do try to teach my son to be a good man and student. So if it seems odd to see a religous post on my page forgive my hypocracy and remember my Mom did drag me to many churches in the South and I, along with my brothers and Sissy, attended many Bible school summer camps. I do believe and again a little Godlyness is good for the soul and even us heathen need God. Seldom am I serious so take this and run. I think this post is kinda like the cock does crow verse and I am always afraid to deny Jesus and God. A small part of me wants my fellow man to know that I support and agree with thier belief in God. Jose' has become a devout Catholic and church going Dude and so has my Brother Fwanky, I am also glad Gary became a man of God in his final years. Just some stuff I think of from time to time. My Pop was not a devout Christian, but he read and knew the Bible very well. I learned much about history from him and my brother Gary. I miss them both on this dy and I miss my family immensley. As a military child moving through out the world they are the one constant in your life. Nieghborhood changes and new bullies evry year to defeat, nieghborhoods to navigate and schools to adapt to. I love my close friends deeply and feel so fortunate to have them. I never want to move again. But I do miss my Family.

Hey ABBY HELP ME!

Abby Doo, This is your Uncle Dave. I have seized your cousin Luke's phone and for good reasons. Yet his mother has punished me severely and with unjust cause. I am now sleeping on a cold damp floor in the basement of the front rental house. There are fleas the size of grasshoppers and I have only dirty ginger ale to drink along with half eaten slim Jim's, soaked in hot sauce, for consumption. I fear that I will not last long in this environment, yet refusal to issue Luke back his phone privileges shall cost me my life and well being. Tell Pody and your sisters I said goodbye and I love them. For it shall soon be nightfall and survival is unattainable. The three toed crickets with cyanide breath and poisonous breast milk are sure to come and secrete their toxins into my cold, crippled body. There will be no remains, as I am sure that the underground dwellers of KMart blue light shopping ghosts will dry freeze my carcass and store me in used pringles cans for rabbit feed and toenail glitter. Alas I bid farewell to this world and the sanctimony of marriage and responsible parenting. It is on to the here after I flee and hopefully there will be cheetoes, Dr Pepper and a large supply of Ramen noodles waiting for me there. That and some really cool short outfits. Bye for now and sweet dreams.

Cry for Help

Abby Blackburn! Your Aunt Joni is going to Florida and leaving me here to fend for myself. Now usually that is okay, but........ I am sure that just on the other side of the city ditch they are waiting. Yes waiting for her to leave. You ask who or what is it? Well I believe them to be a small group, seven or eight, expertly trained mythical creatures from a Dr. Suess novel. I can't see them from here, as I am laying helpless in bed and can only hear them plotting my demise in a manner to horrid to explain on FB. I only know that it involves three fish and a blue one armed with banana pudding, a paint gun armed with Molasses filled ammo balls and the severed head of three marsupials along with a toxic rendition of Ice Ice Baby performed by Mel Torme and a quartet of, slightly misguided, castrated midgets from Indonesia. My only hope is you receive this message in time. In time to conjure up a Ouija board, some used soda cans filled with acid rain and two and one half drops of blood. Blood being from an over weight wallaby with skin chaffing and a edipous complex. Take these Items to Uncle John and he will take care of the rest. I will keep them at bey with my Psychic pet ,Henry the lobster, by utilizing his unusually large claw, speckled genitalia and supersonic shrieking abilities, while you seek help. Help me Abby Wan your my only hope. Drop by and fix me some toast one day too, would Ya'?

Scott Eric's Ramblings

Scott Blackburn Cousin, you amaze me!
Reminds me of the time I was traveling across texas on a bum steer named "bum". Ol bum had the biggest set of horns this side of..well Texas. Things were going just fine til one day Ol Bum stumbled. Well, wouldn't ya k...now one of those big ol horns got stuck in the dirt. The more Ol Bum struggled the deeper that horn drove into the ground. About that time I heard a loud noise...kinda like a rattle in a barrel. And then I saw it..the biggest dadburn Rattlesnake..this side of Texas. Before I could move that Rattler up and bit Ol Bum..well..in the bum. You can imagine Ol Bums reaction.he let out a bellow louder than..you guessed it anything this side of Texas. There I stood a watchin, Ol Bum kicking and bucking and that ol Rattler a hanging on for dear life. With all the ruckus Ol Bum's Horn finally broke free like a clap of thunder. The Rattler went flying and at the same time a gusher of oil spewed as far as the eye could see into that clear Texas sky. Far as I know that Rattler still hasn't come back down. Me and Ol Bum didn't stick around to find out as we was just passin through. Sides, there was some fella called himself Getty a hollering something about pardnership and royalty. Well, that first word sounded a lot like work and the second..well, I don't abide by uppity folk, so me and Ol Bum...we just rode on.

Fifth BEE GEE

Alot of people don't know this about me, but I was the fifth BEEGEE. But jealousy from my siblings and a brief affair with Victoria Pricipal caused my eviction from the group. That and my ability to cover up sexual crimes of, the Rodent involved, nature. I was in my own private dressing room, stocked with multiple hair gels and styling combs, when I heard a high pitched squeal. One squeal seemed to be a pleasure noise slightly harmonized with, an evil laugh, and a slightly muffled briggs and stratton engine. As I caught the scent of burning cheese and what could only be described as fricton burnt chest hair and body gell, I immiediatley realized Andy had bartered a deal with Rick James and Dick Clark, for a recording contract and a free bottle of Baslamic vinegar. By performing in a short film involving, slighlty used cheese clothe, a used mole trap with a recently captured varmint, and a bumper jack from a, 1976 two toned, green and tan, AMC Pacer. The actions of my brother/band member are, far and away, the most degenerate sex crimes ever commited on a toaster,a half dead mole and a poster of Andy Williams, singing purple rain in b flat, accompanied by Zamfur and his panflute. That it is still hard for me to speak of even today. Being jealous of my, superior dancing and singing,talents,not to mention better hair, including chest, pubic and facial, Andy had me replaced with Rick James and the back up singers from clture club. He then immiediatley pursued the love of Victoria and set out to destroy my carreer. When I saw the rage in his eyes and heard the pain in his, lesser talented but still six octave capable, voice. I realised it was time to move aside and let his light shine, if only for a brief moment with Deon Warrick and the solid gold dancers. I moved into the back ground and continued my career as a gardener/body gaurd for Jimmy Osmand and the Mills brothers of Columbia records. Though asked many times to resurface and join many singing groups (Santana, Wild Cherry and KC and the Sunshine Band) just to name a few. I refused to upstage another sibling and cause that much heart ache and animocity of another human beaing. How ever I still help produce and assist on the discovery channel, with the show "Billy the Exterminaator" I also wrangle moles, cappibaras and an evil rabbit named Del Ron Hoover and his cousin, the ground hog known as Punxitauney Phil, for a production company owned and operated by Simon Cowell and Phil Donahue. It makes me happy to know the joy people have gotten from my dancing and singing skills, along with the Character "Tony Manero" modeled after my life, my abilities, good looks and over all coolness and salesman ship of fine Paints. That and the fact that I keep hamsters safe from sexual predators and cotton candy. Don't hate me because of my talents and beauty, for it is a cross to bear, even in seclusion I bring happiness to many. So remember to STAY ALIVE and have a good day!

THE ADVENTURES OF SUPERFLY BUS DRIVER

Believe it or not I have an alterego! I refer to him as "Superfly Bus driver" a sublte, yet wise, man with odd powers and the attributes of wisdom, gathered from watching after school specials, reruns of full house and the facts of life. My days are usually occupied by, maintaining order on every day bus routes and keeping sexual enconters and bullying at bey, all the while getting children to thier destination safely and giving them a thought to ponder for the day of learning. BUT............. Ocaisionally I have been abducted by aliens from other, distant and strange, worlds. Then my powers of deception (finely honed through dating in the 1970's disco era) and inflicting penis envy onto my enemies, have proven useful. Severe halitosis along with an enept,Kung Fu type, skill with nun chucks and theme park logoed beer stiens also prove to be beneficial. Not to mention befriending a group of angry lepracy stricken Incan midgets from Peru. Whom possess the skills of such freakish and bizzare qualities,that they can only be explained in future tales. However my most unique power is, the ability to morph into an oversized, egomaniacal version of Tom Bosley. With the ability to Quip wise suggestions, solve minor family disputes and provide sustanence for a family,while having no real known job and a silly grand Poobah hat . Along with the ability to control and read the minds of menstruating spotted Capybaras from equador.
Stayed tuned for the weekly "ADVENTURES OF SUPER FLY BUS DRIVER"

Note to Abby

I was just wondering how much a gram cost these days. Can you message me and fill me in on the recent costs of Hashish and coke. I am growing tired of the same old meth and whiskey high! PS keep this on the downlow. I am pretty sure there are Goblins, from Italy and Aruba, outside my door and they are armed with chimney sweep brooms, ...expired Alkaseltzer tablets and one Daisy Red Ryder BB gun. One can only hope to escape by way of precision planned rescue rodents. Send a message to my Hedgehogs, that I am surrounded. They are specially equipped and ready for these moments. They will thwart mine enemy with haste and vigor. After wards we will feast on the charred flesh of the Goblins and sliced Peaches soaked in grape Kool Aid. Then dance wildly about the streets. Make sure they bring my Pink Floyd T shirt and an eight trak player with a Niel Diamond/Osmand Brothers mix tape in it! I must go now, for the world is at risk. PS US currency on the prices not pesos! Kirk Out 1/28/1972

As I ponder life from my bed my mind wanders through out the universe of my past lives and bring on many exicting memories. Like the time I went on a disco mission in search of its origin. The path path was a strange one from the start. As I saddled up my, genetically engineered, striped Panda bear. I recall his lightning speed and remember to grease myself up with a Vasoline and vinegar dusch, so as the keep down friction burns and to feel fresh all mission long. Then as he spreads his/her wings for take off, my weapons are lost in a vaporius cloud of Dry Ice stage fog. set out by the one and only Donna Summer and the group Known only as "WILD CHERRY". With out my trusted, male purse from the early eighties, I quickly disguised myself with a bad perm and some brightly colored doubleknit slacks, purchased in a golf pro shop. How ever would I find this place, this place where fads are started and quickly denied? Quickly thinking I head to studio 54 and the Blue Oyster Bar. Finding my way in a dark alley I come upon seven dwarf NBA players with incredable leaping abilities and a taste for lime jello with carrot slivers. A deal for thier alliance is struck, with a barter for thirteen teflon jello molds in the shape of the OSMOND boys and one slightly used frenchfry cutter. Then we set out for a lit up dance floor, located in Jack Nicholson's basement, and gaurded by Wan Epstien of welcome back carter and his friend from goodtimes JJ Walker. A battle/dance off insued and the dwarfs were succeful in thier match, even though a third party was waiting for them. A hybrid of Danny Bonaduce and Sonny Bono had been created for protection of the original mirrored disco ball. The dance off was furiuos, two ears and one eye were lost. As we enterd Jacks basement the horror of used up female actresses and models were piled to the top of a, dimly lit, Hors d'Oeuvres bar. This was to much for my side kick "Buster Poindexter" to bear. After thwarting off a small force consisting of, mentally impaired PBA officials armed with thumbgaurds, slip resistent shoes and poorly cared for dentures. We noticed a small tribe of Mongolian pigmy skunks and there was the answer.With a small bribe consisting of waffles, a can of pork & beans and a ,slighlty smudged, photo of Eric Estrada. They explained the origin of disco and it's accidentall come about. Seemed they were enjoying thier favorite beverage of Dill Pickle juice and hotsauce, when Jack Nicholson had flagulantly expressed hisself, during a sexual encounter with Cher, two boys from Menuedo and an unknown coked up comedian. The pain was so extreme that Cher and the boys starting writhing in pain and singing to the coked up comedien "fly robin fly" in hopes that his taped on wings would fan away the flaming gasses and save the mirror they were watching therselves in. The Mirror shatterd, the moonwalk and funky chicken was started, as Jane Fonda wanted to see herself immeidiatly,she glued the shards of reflective bits onto a revolving , slightly damaged mid seventies record player and smoked hash with Ho Chee Min! With my Mission accomplished I set the striped Panda bear free,combed out my perm, got the dwarfs a part in the play The WIZ, Helped Buster sign with dream records, and headed home to my crib and mastrubated to the tune of Billy Joel's CAPTAIN JACK. All the while feeling that wonderful freshness, that only a proper dusch and petroleum jelly will provide. This is but one episode in the life of mental midget and his side kick Pork

????????????

Theres only two ways to argue with a woman and neither one of them works.

Wheel and Alex

Anarchy! I say! Anarchy!! That's what would happen if Alex Trebec had a frosty beverage with Pat Sajak? While Conway Twitty jammed with Sid Vicius and Ted Nugent, on a stage, constructed of Oreo cookies and Gene Simmons pubic hair. All the while Bohemian Monks are chanting " Fidel Castro is a fan of croquet and reese cups !!"

Tree sound

Hey Doug bear!!! If a tree falls on a deaf person and nobody is around to hear the screams of pain and agony. does the tree and deaf person make a noise?

My Son's view family holidays

ITS BEEN A VERY NORMAL THANKSGIVING EATING GREAT FOOD, GETTING OVERLY STUFFED, VIDEO GAMES WITH MATTHEW, AND MOM AND AUNTS CUSSING AT EACH OTHER AND MY DAD SITTING THERE LAUGHING THEN MY MOM GETTING MAD AT HIM THEN I LAUGH AND I GET IN TROUBLE THEN HE LAUGHS AND GETS IN TROUBLE AND THE CYCLE REPEATS

Second Shot

I wonder if he had to do it all over again, would Adam take that bite or skip the snack , just curl up for a nap and have God jerk out another rib. It seems to me God had an alternative plan just in case. I mean, Adam had a few more ribs in there. What would it have hurt for a second shot. But then being of the male persuasion, you just know he would sneak out of the garden once in awhile.

Scary Night

The only thing that ever frightens me is closing my eyes and feeling a strange hand on my genitals. That and a seven headed chartroose mountain lion, married to an ostrich that plays a banjo and eats fruit roll ups for breakfast and wears a burt Reynolds mask to hide his shame. So before I go to bed at night I coat myself with a sticky glaze made from, Rasberry jello, the eyebrow hairs trimmed from Andy Rooney and ellen Barken. mixed in a bowl, purchased from a large man, with one arm and seven fingers, for a photo of Joe Cary chasing ducks in his under wear. Then and only then do I feel safe, from the demons in my brother John's head.

Training

I wouldn't stake my life on it, but I believe. If I had to, I could train a falcon to make jello and brush a horse. The skills I have gained through out my years as a ,secret agent Beawolfe, in the jungles of Nambia. While serving the Vice... Lord of the Tuku Mimby tribe. Have put me into a state of false security. Some times I wonder what if? Then I remember to wear my Authentic Chuck Taylors and scarlett jock strap in case of an attack. This will enable me to jump higher and swing faster, than any rabid spider monkey and his wallabee comrades. If you don't hear from me in the morn, I shall be in the widerness gathering berries and used transmission oil for a signal fire. This will thwart off evil Gerbles and box turtles from over taxing our farm lands and bussines ventures. They must be stopped at all costs and sent to the senate, for better benefits and salaries, so to better understand the American worker and his needs. Now I realise this is a silly post. But not really any more silly than Congress pretending to care about the American Worker, for yet another Year.