Culinary Caper Cop

As I sit here and ponder the meaning of life I wonder. Who am I and why do I always get attacked by rabid chickens with herpes that are experts with cutlery and sleep deprivation? For I am a secret agent of chaos and international culinary by products. Just last week I discovered a plot by local eateries of Pawtucket Rhode Island to corner the Lobster market and cross breed them with featherless Pelicans from Aruba.
Now you may ask yourself why would the US Govt need a spy for such matters? Probably they don't but I have an extremely large photo of Dan Quayle and Michele Obama in a foursome with Wilt Chamberlain, Butterbean the boxer, And four cases of Land O Lakes margarine, along with two Oprah Winfrey puppets holding copper plated spatulas.. So if need be I can get a govt contract for any thing I dream up and deem necessary. But back to the Lobsters and evil chickens.

I was in the New England area for some minor league baseball and noticed several children rushing into the high tide and freeing lobsters from the tidal storage boxes. All of a sudden thirteen armed fishermen, in white boots and yellow raincoats bearing corn on the cob eating utensils formed a circle around these children. The fisherman began pummeling the kids with half eaten ears of sweet corn and screaming "Stay away from the Hybrid Lobsters and my bird feeder!" I thought to myself "Is this a new way to make corn chowder and lobster bisque. Or merely a strange new way to punish children for not eating their vegetables?" Quickly I started to take note of my surroundings and noticed I was being surrounded by a group of Aborigine midgets from Guatemala. They were cleverly armed with Korean cock fighting knifes and the blades were coated in Peruvian chili powder. Thinking quickly I grabbed a paper straw and as they lunged toward me with vigor and thrust their blade at my, muscular and sweaty , torso I blew the powder from the, Sharp steely, blades into theirs eyes. Temporally blinding them so that I could have my way with their dates and small pets. After a cigarette and short nap I finished them off and returned to my mission at hand. Ridding this great country of hideous crossbred creatures and bad rap music from the early nineties.

I saw that the mission would now require an accomplice with special skills of a rare nature. So I immediately teamed up with an old acquaintance from Mesopotamia. Jericho the scuba diving spider monkey with one good eye. His skills for mind control of animals and sea creatures are surpassed by,the one and only, bastard love child from a menajuatwa involving Dr. Doolittle, Aqua Man and an estrange monkey from Scandinavia. After meeting up with Jericho we packed the necessities and headed out to thwart the fisherman and their evil accomplices in the eatery business, from creating an unholy creature for culinary purposes. I mounted my trusty flying, ninja trained, tortoise and Jericho summoned a flock of seagulls all named Johnathan from Livingston North Carolina, for his transportation. Onward we ventured with no fear of what lay ahead. Death and Herpes be damned! We will prevail and come home victorious.